Mass genital mutilation, the Hebrew god's new kink (aka Genesis 17)
Mass genital mutilation, the Hebrew god's new kink (aka Genesis 17)
"The jackals had a feast that night at the trash heap on the edge of Abe’s camp. And Yahweh was pleased. Or was he?"
Yasha’s Old Testament continues…with Genesis 17. I’m making progress, although at this pace it’ll take me years to translate it all. This is the big one, though. This is where Yahweh comes down to earth and makes Abraham an indecent proposal: How bad do you want the Holy Land Abe? Bad enough that you’ll cut a piece of your dick off? The circumcision rite is born. The Hebrew god sure loves pranks!
—Yasha
PS: Read other Old Testament portions here…
Note: I’ve been reading a lot of the Torah lately while I work on my novel Two Pigeons. I haven’t been very happy with any of the translations-interpretations out there….so much good material that gets glossed over…so much wasted potential. And so I decided to work on my own interpretation of the Old Testament. Let’s see how long I can keep it going…
Genesis 17
So Abraham is 99 years old now. Twelve long years had passed since Hagar the sex slave bore him a child, Ishmael. And not much has changed. His wife Sarah was still barren, despite Yahweh’s many promises — and despite the thousands of goats and sheep that old Abe sacrificed to Yahweh…tons of sizzling fat sent to heaven to nourish this god.
One night Abe decided to take a walk alone — just him, his trusted cane, a little flagon of wine. He was feeling a little depressed lately, he had to admit. What was this life all about anyway? Herding? Running a big encampment? Bedding slave girls? Mediating conflicts between your servants? Fighting off local warlords? Increasing your flock? There had to be more to life than this. One thing was nice, though, Abe thought. Yahweh hadn’t turned up in a long time. What…maybe a decade? Maybe Yahweh had moved on to some other sucker, some other victim to pester with his schemes and extortions?
Then, suddenly, Abe heard that familiar screeching up in the sky. Then a sonic boom exploded above Abe’s…the wind blast from it lashed his tunic and disheveled his hair. “I am El Shaddai! Be devoted to me and I will favor you! I will make My Covenant come true! I will give you great numbers of children!”
Abraham winced in pain from the booming voice. He looked up, his eyes like slits. The voice sounded familiar. But the name…the name was new. “Yah…Yahweh? Is that you?”
“Yes it is me. YOUR LORD!”
“But you said you were El Shaddai? I’m confused,” Abraham replied.
“I did? Ah yes, I did,” Yahweh replied, quieter now. “That’s what they used to call me a long time ago, back when I was just a young little demigod that dwelled in mountains—” Then, suddenly, there was another sonic boom, louder this time. Abraham flung himself to the ground and covered his head, shaking in fright. Is it me or has Yahweh been getting louder, he thought. Yahweh used to buzz in my ear in that high pitched whine but never did he boom like this before. Abe felt his teeth rattling. “I come down to the mortal plane to talk business! Now…about that deal we had….where was I…yes…I, YOUR LORD, promise that you shall be the father of many, many nations. I also promise to make you ridiculously fertile. Whole nations will sprout from your loins! Kings shall rise like shoots from your seed! On top of that I give you the land that you now inhabit. I give it to you and to all your offspring, all the land of Canaan for ever and ever it’s yours. And I will be the God that rules over it all!”
Abraham lay there in the dirt face down, a blank expression on his face. Every fucking time this guy shows up he keeps making the same promises — over and over and over again. It’s the same old act. It’s tiresome. And he never delivers. He’s been promising me millions of kids for decades now — decades — and so far I only got, what, one? And that from a slave girl, too. Just one! Oh and he’s been promising me this land for decades. Hell, it’s supposed to be mine already right now. He even told me there’s a contract and everything…a contract I’m still paying it off with daily goat sacrifices.
Meanwhile Yahweh kept talking. “…You and your offspring will be beneficiaries to this deal going forward for all eternity. But there’s just a couple of things I need from you to seal the deal…Let’s call it The Covenant. And these things are…”
Oh here it comes! Here it comes, thought Abraham. Told you it was gonna be the same old trick. Wonder what he’ll demand this time? More goats? More sheep to slaughter?
“First you will no longer call yourself Abram. From now on you will be known as Abraham. Got it? I know Abram and Abraham are basically the same name. But I like the sound of the Abraham better. It has a more respectable vibe. I like it. It’s a good name. A great name.”
“Sure thing, Yahweh,” said Abraham. “I will do as you command.” That’s not so bad, he thought. Just a name change? I can do that.
“But that’s not all,” Yahweh continued. “There’s one more thing. Well there’s no way to pad this so I’ll just come out and say it, ok? You will have to cut off the foreskin of your penis and hold it up for me to see to prove your devotion to me. That’s your side of the deal, ok? That’s what you have to do to seal it. Nothing is free in this world and this is how I want you pay me for my time and generosity. Oh and it’s not just you…you also have to circumcise all your offspring going forward. Let’s say when a baby boy hits his eighth day of life…that’s when the extra flap comes off. Deal?”
Abe looks a little dour for a guy getting the deal of the millennium.
Abraham jumped to his feet and looked at the sky. “Lord. Yahweh! Please! You…you can’t be serious Yahweh? You want me to do what now?” Abe had heard of this monstrous practice being carried out by the evil Egyptians…or at least their top priests. But now Yahweh was demanding it of him? “Yahweh you can’t be serious. Yah—”