Is YHWH pulling my leg again with this whole Covenant business? (aka Genesis 15)

This Yahweh is a glutton, Abraham thought. He’ll bankrupt me with his constant sacrifice demands. But still a god is a god. You have to obey. That’s how things work.

Yasha’s Old Testament continues with Genesis 15…

Yahweh drugs Abraham, amends The Covenant, and sweetens the deal to give Abraham’s offspring more land than they’ll know what to do with.

I guess this part’s been important to future and past nationalists of a certain variety, as it gives Abraham’s offspring — aka the Jewish People — ultimate rights to a huge chunk of land that includes today’s Israel/Palestine, Jordan, and a big part of Iraq. But if you’ve been reading along you know Yahweh’s promises don’t count for much…

—Yasha

PS: Read other Old Testament portions here…

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Note: I’ve been reading a lot of the Torah lately while I work on my novel Two Pigeons. I haven’t been very happy with any of the translations-interpretations out there….so much good material that gets glossed over…so much wasted potential. And so I decided to work on my own interpretation of the Old Testament. Let’s see how long I can keep it going…

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Genesis 15

Abraham was sitting around his tent enjoying his big victory and his newfound cred in the hood when suddenly he heard that familiar buzzing sound and that high-pitched voice. “Hey Abraham. It’s me. Your LOOOOORD!” Abraham groaned. Here he goes again, he thought. The voice continued: “Did you see how I protected you in the field against that Chedorlaomer fella? How I defeated your foes? Yeah I did it all. That was me. And as for the future…fear not, my man! You’re gonna be safe. No one will hurt you now. I’m like a shield to you. And of course you gonna be rich. You gonna be famous. You gonna be loved for eternity. You’ve never seen anyone who was loved as much as you’re gonna be loved. And…you will be rewarded greatly for your devotion to me.”

Abraham rolled his eyes.

“Hey! Don’t roll your eyes at me!” the voiced buzzed down from heaven, shaking the tent and making Abraham wince. “You know I can see everything right? You know I can read your thoughts right? I am your LORD you little shit. YOUR FUCKING LORD! With a capital L. You’re my fave you know that…But do that again I’ll put a boil on your ass or make your penis drip. Gotta have some discipline around here.”

Really. I’m getting sick of this, thought Abraham. He’s at it again — showing up at random and taking credit for everything, threatening me, making promises he won’t keep… “Rolling my eyes? No, your lordship. I just had something…eh…something in my eye. You know how dusty these tents can get,” Abraham said, looking down and brushing some pita crumbs of his tunic. “Speaking of dust, your lordship. I distinctly remember you promising me many children. What was the precise language you used? Ah, yes, you said something about making my offspring as numerous as the little of bit of dust on earth…something about at least a trillion little brats crawling the earth, all bearing my glorious DNA.”

“Did I say all that?” Yahweh said, the buzzing suddenly getting quieter…almost like a low hum.

“Yes, you said that. I noted it down in my scroll…let me see here,” Abraham said, taking out a scroll from his sleeve, which he was preparing for an occasion just like this. “Yes…you said…and I quote: ‘I’m gonna make your offspring as numerous as the little bits of dust on this earth. If someone manages to count all the bits of dust that’s how many kids and grandkids and great-grandkids and great-great-grandkids you’ll have. That’s a lot of offspring, right…like at least several trillion, yeah?’”

Abraham put the scroll away and continued: “That was years ago, decades ago. And despite all your promises, Sarah and I still don’t have a single little kid. And all my slave girls are barren, too! Not a one has given birth to my seed. Not a one!” Abraham was working himself up to a genuine anger now. “I’m gonna die childless Yahweh and I’ll have no choice but to hand over all my wealth to my servant Dammesek Eliezer. Already everyone makes fun of me. What kind of man…what kind of patriarch shoots blanks for a hundred years straight? And I’m supposed to have the favor of the almighty Yahweh. This isn’t just about me. This’s making you look bad, too. I heard people snickering about you, saying maybe you’re not a god at all but some uppity little field demon.”

“First of all, don’t use that tone with me. Remember that you are talking to YOUR LORD! But you do have a point there, Abe. It’s true I might have overlooked a thing or two. I mean I am LORD and am all powerful, obviously. But bits of business do fall through the cracks from time to time. I got lots of things cooking, lots of important people to see…”

Yahweh voice came down a bit down to Abe’s level. Then Abraham felt a tug on cheek and then some pressure, like a pat or a gentle slap. “Do not worry Abe, my chosen, my one and only! That loser Dammesek Eliezer won’t be your heir! Only an heir that issues from your loins will be your heir...your own DNA, your own little self.”

Then the buzzing increased to a deafening roar, making Abraham cover his ears… “Go outside Abraham! GO! Look up at heaven and count the stars!” Abraham was starting to develop a migraine now. He knew it was gonna be a bad one, with auras and all... But he went out from his tent, each step searing his brain like a hot pike. He looked up at the sky, wincing in pain. “COUNT THE STARS!” Yahweh continued. “Oh you can’t? There are too many? Well that’s the whole point of my little exercise here bud. I’m trying to tell you that your offspring shall be as numerous as the little points of light that dot the night sky.”

“Whatever you say Yahweh,” said Abraham. The buzzing in his ears was drowning out everything now and he was nearly doubled over in pain. Still…even then he thought to himself…